What Do You Love?

I sit on the cusp of a new season, wobbling between a persistent inability to name my heart’s desire and an immediate awareness of all that I love, which poured out of me when I was unexpectedly asked: What do you love? Musing, drafting, editing here, I find this tension so very curious.

I startled at the question because I’ve struggled for years now to simply name a concrete or specific heart’s desire. Every 54-day Novena, the rosary community I enjoy invites us to name our heart’s desire for the novena. Rarely do I land on anything that feels authentically me. Me being me, I tried for a while to keep a gratitude journal, to name how my heart’s desire was met for that day, in gratitude. Sometimes I could catch a glimpse of it, like an image wafting away into sleep. Most days, I could not name my heart’s desire. Blank. Numb?

So I was surprised at all that poured out of me when my friend asked her question:

I love CrossFit, I said without thinking.

I love being fierce for women, inviting women to come to their deepening Selves. Men too, for that matter, perhaps even moreso now, having been woven into an experience of holding space for the Sacred Masculine in October.

I love teaching and facilitating, when I get to sit in a room with people.

I love journeys of transformation, my own and those willing to engage theirs. Archetypes, dreams, image, nature mandalas, synchronicity, intuition and deepening intuitions.

I love circle. I often say my Work is inviting the archetype of circle, wherever welcome.

Surprisingly, I also said I love the rosary, though not for any previous-traditional use of it. I like making them, particularly as gifts for others. I like the feel of the beads in my hands.

I love learning with friends, near and far.

While I didn’t name it–it’s the presumed foundation of our sacred listening together these many years now–I also love Godde, who courses through all my energies, the interconnections that make my life so scandalously abundant, mysterious, rich. Many names and the One Godde, Seed of All. A Who, not a What, there…

So I sit on the cusp of a new season–semester ending, sabbatical beckoning, a couple circle-oriented ‘trainings,’ etc.--newly aware of what I love…what holds my hope to be faithful and responsive within the graces unfolding these next months. I feel this invitation to continue trying to name my heart’s desire, though it feels awkward and improbable.

Sometimes an urgency can distract me from slowing down, receiving, trusting…so I relinquish that urgency. And I wonder if my heart’s desire is for me, personally, which is why I struggle so…? A circle-way girl, a community devotee, a helper and a woman who thrives in deepening-listening conversations, what I love and hope for, for the world, is easier.

I smile now to feel the truth of Brian’s words to me recently: I have what I need. To which of course I pressed, Yes, but what do you want?

We both laughed, because neither of us is good at knowing that…yet.